#deardiary #December162013 #fullmoon
December 16, 2013
To my diary, Shirley, on this cold, grey evening:
Oh Shurl Shurl, the moon has been getting bigger for a week now - this big giant moon, low on the horizon, all orange and ominous and friendly and unreal at the same time #prettypicturehuh, and tonight it's full and shining a light on me. #spotlight #shinebright #tonight.
I feel like the world has collapsed around me, only it's I who have collapsed and that it might just actually feel good to break a little. #namaste. Do you know what I realized Shurl? There's something called "truth", and I ain't it. I've been too much of a perfectionist to admit that the person I'd made myself into wasn't perfect #hardly, and have had trouble accepting simple logic and reason #selectivelystupid because to do so would break me as a person - figuratively, like a brittle shell of preconception, crumbling off me and exposing raw, newborn flesh. #imnotbeingdramaticshirley. And then I'd be forced to walk around naked until the skin healed...#okyesiam.
And for the first time Shurl, I can see the imperfect self that I am, and not think that it has to be fixed, which is crazy, because I'm a fixer - you know, a computer-fixing, problem fixing, you-spill-your-drink-and-ill-clean-it-up kind of guy. #icanalsodooilchanges. And fixing also includes forcing yourself to believe certain notions and uphold certain ideals and be the kind of guy that shouldn't be hated - well, so that you're not. #obvious. But the glaring problem is, my lovely little denim-bound lassie - you can't fix everything.
You tried to tell me for some time that this epiphany was coming. And I should have trusted you, because you are, after all, always reading my feverish scribbles onto your virgin white flesh, like being written on is your only purpose #itis #dontmakemeupgradetoleather. Because you were right Shirley #dontrubitin. I'm not sure I understood the concept until now. Some things don't need fixing - not in oneself or in other people either. I thought I was owed an easy and perfect world for some reason, Shurl. That was more stupid than I care to admit to anyone other than you. And, feeling stupid is not an easy one for me. #stupid #eraselater.
But the moon is still up and I think, hold on a second...yes, it's actually brighter now. If I move my head back and forth I can see its craters peaking out on either side of a building in between she and I. The moon, I mean. #iwastalkingaboutthemoonshirley #whenisaidshe #stopit #theresnooneelseinherewithus #sorryIgotpoeticwithmypronouns #geezyoureskittish.
The moon has always been my friend. Always outside my window while I tried to sleep, following me in the car, scaring me with weird shadows and encouraging me to dream about what was possible the next day. I think I've ignored her #yesShirleyImeanthemoon for a long time. I wonder if she missed me as much as I missed her?
But she's here tonight and it seems like once we get through the nervous small talk, it'll feel like old times. We've shared a lot, the moon and I, and I think she knows me better than anyone. Right now, in the light, I can see and, tonight, I expect I'll dream. #dontmakebarfingnoises #bitch #notopeningyouforaweek