#deardiary #christmasmusic

December 17, 2013

Dear Shirley, thank you for letting me write in you tonight #stoptryingtocloseyourcover.  It seems like it should be a good night.  I'm sitting in front of a fire, Christmas tree aglow with lights and sparkly ornaments, candles lit all around instead of incandescents or fluorescents and soothing Christmas music playing.  But, all I'm thinking about is home.  #yesiknowimhomealready #stopspoilingthestory.

#oholynight my favorite Christmas song is playing.  This version is The Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  It's amazing.  #sisterwifecansang.  Nothing is better than the build up to the end.  The drama.  The crescendo.  The high notes.  #theuglytears.  When I hear this song, the hopeless world washes away from me and I am not a kid again, living in nostalgia, but warm and covered with the beautiful memories of the times I've heard it, been been moved to tears by it and for those new memories I am sure it will accompany in the future.  #amen.

And that reminds me of home.  I don't know how many people feel like me Shurl, but no matter how many different places I live, I will always have two homes. My current one and the one I grew up in.  We weren't perfect, my family, but our home was always a sanctuary from the dangers of the world - a place to run to, where the masks and defenses could come down...well, until my sister began to chase me all the way to my room like a wild dingo, at which point the armor would come back out. #butshenevercaughtme.

But my point is Shirley that, no matter what, I have those memories of home - good ones.  That's what makes a home anyway.  #itswheretheheartis.  And so I always have the luxury of bathing in Christmas' past, where we would all laugh together and rush to the tree in the morning, with cowlicks sticking out everywhere, to open our presents and spend the entire morning in our pajamas. #minewerespiderman. I don't know what it must feel like to not have received that hardwired sense of peace and excitement at this time of year.  The continuous build up of anticipation and joy as the day approached - rather than the constant tension of potential chaos or disappointment I've heard friends talk about when discussing their past holidays.  Fortunately, it's impossible for me to know what that really feels like.  But, I don't think I've been trying hard enough. #sorrytosay.

I know too many people who don't have the home that I call a home. And, while I go about life most of the time thinking that everyone is merry and jolly this time of year #fantasyworld, (and yes Shirley, too often I fail to live up to that happy attitude myself #alwaysgettingawordin #arentyou), I don't stop often enough to think about how lucky I am.  And I should.  Because I know from divorce just how upsetting it is to be separated from a family, regardless of the reason, regardless of whether the loss is good, bad or necessary, and even if they're not your blood.  So, I should be thinking about it a lot more Shurl.  I should be focusing all my appreciation on my family #bloodandadopted #myhome #mylove #mycat #mysupportsystem and being the best family in return that I can be.  Not just now, but especially now.   #yesthatincludesyoushurlshurl.

So, that's the spirit I'm going to take into the next couple of weeks #andbeyond.  I feel a wave of change coming, and I want to ride it.  And I'm going to need my family to do that.  So, this Christmas, I will be remembering how special they are and working to make sure they understand how special, and essential, they are to me.  #andtheyare #oholynight.


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